Facebook Status

Status for Facebook messages helps to come out so, make your Status for Face book different from the others. By sharing the gloomy feelings can lessen the burden of heart if you share it with friends and family, so share sad status on facebook to let your friends know that you are feeling sad. This will certainly decrease the sadness. Make your Status for Facebook friends smile by sharing hilarious facebook status and funny facebook status. Get the funny quotes on exams for facebook and share it on the wall of class mates to wish them best of luck for the exams in an adorable way. You can get the different and unique Status for Facebook ideas from this website.

1. The only people worthy to be in your life are the ones that help you through hard times, and laugh with you after the hard times pass.

2. Three solutions to every problem, accept it, change it, and leave it. If you can`t accept it, change it. If you can’t change it, leave it.

3. People without visions, hopes, dreams, ambition, or desire to win will go out of their WAY to kill yours.

4. That awkward moment when someone laughs is funnier than what they said.

5. A recent study shows that 90% of women don`t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don`t like women...

6. "Mom...I`m bored" "Ok, if you`re so bored why don`t you clean this..." "Never mind I found something to do.

7. Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes a special someone to catch your heart.

8. There’s always that one person that makes your heart stop when you see their name. (:

9. God gives gives, gives and forgives. People get get get and forget

10. Love has 4 letters, but so Does Hate. Friends has 7 letters, but so does Enemies; Truth has 5 letters, but so does Lying.

11. Life is like a camera. Focus only on what is important and you will capture it perfectly

12. Never Blame any Day in Your Life. Good Days give you Happiness. Bad days give you Experience. Both are Essential in Life.

13. Sometimes a cute smile hides a huge pain that only God knows about…

14. I taught you everything you know but not everything I KNOW.

15. New day new blessing. Don’t let yesterdays failures ruin the beauty of today, because each day has its own promise of love and joy. GOOD MORNING

16. The goal of education is to replace an empty mind with an open mind. I am in a relationship with studies and it’s complicated

17. Every new day is another chance to be a better person than you were the day before

18. It`s nice to be important but it`s important to be nice!

19. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

20. It takes two hands to build a relationship. With one, you can only wave a good bye.

21. I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

22. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

23. If you don`t understand my silence, you will not understand my words.

24. Have you noticed that the “lol” symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet he’s not laughing out
loud.

25. Words don`t have the power to hurt u….Unless the person who said means a lot to u...

Short Jokes

Hilarious one or two line jokes
Question: If you catch it, you will throw it away. If you don't catch it, you will keep it. What is it?
Answer: Lice

Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

Why shouldn't you hold a DVD upside down?
Because the data might fall down.

Santa to Banta: I don't have an internet connection at home. Can you please copy the internet on this pen drive for me?

Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day
Short Jokes
Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.

What do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.

Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover!
Girl 2: I was about to say the same-thing too!

Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.

Ponderism:
Before going to sleep you can say Good Night.
But before waking up can you say Good Morning?
The insult
My brother is a terrible musician. The other day he asked my sister if she had heard his last recital.
She replied: "I certainly hope so".
LOL
Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.
The well behaved son
Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn't he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.
Funny Patients and Doctors
Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.


A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".
Doctor and Patient
Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.

Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.
Mother in law and the clock
My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.
Stale
An elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately.

The wife asked, "Why don't you do like that man?"

The husband replied, "I don't even know that woman!"
Dumb and Dumber
Friend 1: Is it true that your wife talks to herself when she is alone?
Friend 2: I don't know. I wasn't with her when she was alone.
Doctor's advice
Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.
Thieves in the kitchen
Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.

Husband and Wife
My wife always told me that if I wanted breakfast in bed, then I would have to sleep in the kitchen


Husband: Do you know that John who lives next door has two girlfriends unknown to wife.
Wife: Who is the other one?
Silly Amy
Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"
Sick and Silly PJ
Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.
From the mouth of kids
Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn't do.
Mother: That's very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn't do?
Girl: The homework.
Months of the year
Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery
Employee, Boss and Office
Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".
One Liners
Good resolutions are like beautiful girls: they are easy to make but hard to keep.

Have you ever wondered why Tarzan never has a beard?

Why do they always use sterilised needles when giving lethal injections?
Knock Knock Max
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!
Bean soup and the dumb waiter
A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.
The funny soup
Customer in a hotel: Waiter, this soup tastes funny!
Waiter: Oh!, the chef must have been laughing when he prepared it sir.
Two men in a bar
Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".

Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Alright" says the first man, "Where are you from idiot?"
Lady next door
Man1: Your kid just looks like you.
Man2: Shhh, not so loud. That's the next door lady's kid.
Man and his son joke
Man 1: My son does not listen to anything that I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.

LONG JOKES

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

"An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."


1.Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

2.
An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.

"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer.

"You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her.

"You used to nibble on my ear."

"Let me get my teeth."

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